Evening falling - A soft lamenting

Photo courtesy of Melinda Vienna Saari

Photo courtesy of Melinda Vienna Saari

My close friends have been encouraging me to share my intimate writings about Grief, telling me that through sharing my process I will help others with theirs. So, dear readers, I bare my tender belly...

Evening falling - A soft lamenting

Moments without you, the friend who was always there, the one I could call when the break up occurred, when my world fell apart, had wonderful news, confusion or needed advice about minor to major questions. Now you are gone, who do I send my silly texts to, share fabulous news with, go shopping with, dance with, tell my secrets to, hold your sacred secrets and be the best friend who I learned to be with you?

Evening is quiet and empty, a vast landscape filled with shadows. Day is exploding with sunshine, some of the rays I can hold and enjoy and some I cannot without you by my side.

With your death an empty hole has grown within me that I am now learning how to listen to, observe, try not fill with endless work or distraction but just sit with and understand that yes, my life is lonely without you.

I get to know new friends amidst the fear that I might lose another close to me. I have a fabulous new boyfriend who is teaching me that it’s okay to be vulnerable even though I tremble as my heart slowly opens. Life goes on.

Your items decorate my house, your pictures fill my bathroom, your clothes live in my closet, your photo, sacred jewelry and crystals are on my altar, everywhere I look I see you and yet you aren’t here…

At moments a tear slides out as I remember your boisterous laugh, the fact that you were there for me like no other for 19 years straight and that two years ago you sat on my porch amidst your leukemia journey.

Now you are everywhere, the stars glimmer a bit brighter because you are there. The ocean shimmers in the moonlight as your ashes float upon the waves. The sun shines upon my blessed life because you graced me with yours.

And forever you are there..